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What I Wish I Could Say

Mom,

It has been so long since we talked… Well, Since we both talked.  I talk to you or think to you almost every day.  Are you surprised that I think of you that often? I know those last few years were tough.  

I wish so many things would have gone differently between us during those last years.  I wish you could have held my child more often, once was not enough.  I wish that you could have been happier and enjoyed life and your family more.  I wish you could have shared in all of our triumphs and been there to call when we fell.  I wish you were still around to know me now.

When I think or talk to you, I hope you are listening! I wonder what you think and how you would feel about me now.  Would you love and accept me? Would you sit down next to me and tell me all those years ago you knew how I felt but were also terrified of what that meant?  Would you be proud of me and the life I have created?  Would you love and spoil my child? How different things might be if you were still alive today.  

When I think about you I remember the good times too.  I laugh to myself how we would play hooky in Florida and go to the beach for the day or have a stay at home pool day. I remember how we would lay out in the back yard and listen to the radio.  I remember my first job and how you got it for me. Dad would get so mad about the sand in the car, but you and I always had a good time.  I remember you being the Mother of the Year.  And how you threw frozen applesauce in my eye!! I remember our after dark hide and seeks, the bonfires, and the camping weekends (especially the time we got flooded out). You gave us so many amazing memories.  Looking back, I know how little our family had, yet during the years that we were all a family, we were incredibly rich.

Honestly, those last couple years have overshadowed all the good memories for far too long.  You were a good parent.  Yes, we had some rough times and moments when I wished you loved me just a bit more.  Now I understand though.  I know you were doing the best you could, I know you were struggling yourself.  It’s not like they give you a How to Raise a Human manual when kids are born. You were so young when I was born that you did not have the tools you needed.  I understand now how much you sacrificed for our family. How you had to give up on the dreams you may have had for your life.  I can see all of this now, I couldn’t back then, or even 11 years ago when you died.  I was either too young or still too close to the hurt.  But, now I know and understand.  I forgive you for all that happenedbetweemn us.  I am letting go of the hurt. I apologize for the hurt I gave to you.  I wish I was able to hug you one more time, to tell you all this in person, to tell you I love you. I wish I was able to say Happy Mother’s Day one more time.

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